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It is never as easy as they say…

I have heard it said that “All things are possible with love”.  Well, I am going to tell you, in my life, right now, love is making everything impossible.  Exhale.  For those of you that know me, you know that I write regularly about fashion, relationships, and all things that most women would want to read about.  I also, under a pseudonym, author a very steamy, sexy blog.   Oh, I left out successful.  Or at least it was.

You see, I was able to draw a lot of inspiration from my moments with The One, and I could translate that into sexy, steamy tales that make even the most flaccid man salute.  But as we became more and more serious, I had a hard time taking our most private moments, and putting them out there for all of the world to see.  We talked about it, and he had NO problem at all with it.  I even at one point took a story from real life, and used it, and got rave reviews.  Of course, that confirmed what I already knew, that we had a great sex life.  But then, in my ridiculous mind, I began to wonder.  How far can I go?  How much can I push, and at what point does my writing become just sex, and the reality and fantasy all crash and become one huge blur?  And, if indeed this were to be even a remote possibility, is it something that I want to chance?  No.  It is not.  So for the sake of love, true love, I put our relationship, our intimate moments at least, away for only he and I to know about.  The result?  My complete inability to write.  About sex.

Thinking that I would just reach into a corner of my mind where perhaps an old encouter resided, I dove into a place, and pulled out a sexy man I once   knew.  I was able to pen the entire story, the meeting, the kiss, the eye contact, every single thing that happened, until I got to the sex.  COMPLETE BLOCK.  I went so far as to send it to The One and ask him how he felt, and again he was fine with it.  I believe I even said for him to finish it, or write an outline, and I would get creative and fill in the pieces.  Of course he did not, because he, unlike me, has some sort of sanity.  Certain that one day I will find a way to overcome this problem, I vowed to myself that I will just love him daily, and let our relationship be the main focus.  And I start to think lately, that I can so do this.

And then, when it could not get any worse, it does.  Love, once again goes and destroys everything.  Not his love.  The other love, from family.  My family somehow discovers my sex blog.  My dirty porn blog, where I use words that would get me a one way ticket to hell.  Where  men do things to “me” that they had no idea people even thought of, much less their own daughter.  This all occurs at some ungodly hour of the night too, when I am not even at my best to think of what to say.

I get a text message from my sister, with a picture of her computer screen on my blog.  She then sends a scathing message, expressing her disgust and disappointment in the whole thing.  I reply to her that she needs to calm down, its writing, not reality.  Too late, my parents have seen it, and my cousins and family that is at the house, having all gone there after the family reunion.  It is now complete and total chaos.  My phone wont stop ringing, and I don’t know what to do.

This story could go on forever, and it will, but in the end, my sister said she read it.  She had to.  If its real, and I do the things in the blog, she said I am disgusting, but if it is truly fiction, she said she is my biggest fan, and it should be book, then a movie.  She did try to explain it to my mother, and I don’t even know how that went.

Why?  Because I don’t care.  After feeling like shit since Sunday night (it is now Tuesday), I have come to the conclusion of just not caring what anyone has to say.  I am 39 years old.  I am surely no saint, but I am not alone in my transgressions.  Maybe I am far to comfortable in my usage of the words dick, fuck, sex, etc, but that has never been a secret.  I have been spending way too much time in making every single person around me happy, and I have been miserable for MONTHS.  My sacrifices have been monumental, with my rewards being pale in comparison.  While I am sure there will be much mental stuff to overcome for me to get back to the level that I was at with my blog (the other one, I mean, how easy will it be to write about someone being inside of you, pounding away, with the lurking thought that your uncle, cousin, brother or oh my god father! can be reading it?) but I have to do it.

As for The One, and his influence on my other blog, well, it was getting better, and hopefully in the end, it will be just one more thing I reach out for, pick up, turn and put it behind me on this road.



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